Midweek shits and giggles

Some gentle reminders:

1) If you’re going to read naked in bed, position yourself so that the probability of a boob paper cut is low.

2) When taking your child’s cough syrup, do not assume that because you weigh four times as much as he does that you need four times as much medicine.

3)When holding your hamster above your head to check the sex, be sure to keep your mouth firmly shut. Hamster poo pellets are fast and hamsters have surprisingly good aim.

4) When spending the night at a girlfriend’s and there’s no bedside lamp, grab the flashlight out of the drawer. If, when you turn the switch, it starts shaking violently but the beam doesn’t come on, whacking it against the wall repeatedly will *not* make it light up.

5) When getting experimental in the bedroom with a loved one, it’s good to find out what he might have a food allergy to before buying coconut flavored massage oil and rubbing it all over his junk. Unless you enjoy him screaming while you drive him to the ER with a red swollen twig and berries.

6) If the water slide attendant instructs you to cross your legs before taking the 9 story vertical plunge, do it unless you WANT a 75mph enema that makes you taste breakfast from 2 months earlier.

... and finally ...

7) Saying you did something for the lulz does not hold up in a court of law.