Older, not necessarily wiser

Better living through chemistry, I always say. Scientific and pharmacological progress can help rewind the clock and reinvigorate the limp flesh. No other drug has been enthusiastically lauded and celebrated as the (in)famous little blue pills that made gazillions for pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer.

It is said that Viagra (alongside its brethren Cialis, Levithra etc.) has now changed the sexual landscape worldwide. The little blue pills allow older men to hold on to younger partners as well as contribute to a growing population of swingers.

Frankly, I believe in live and let live. Your body is a temple; worship it, do whatever you want with it. After all, the human condition focusses a lot on pleasure seeking activities; whatever it was that crank your engine, be it illegal pharmaceuticals, adrenaline or even pain.

However, studies have shown that the sexual landscape sculpted by the little blue pills include a rise in sexually transmittable diseases (STDs) among the older population. One study actually demonstrated a link between men who take erectile dysfunction drugs and STDs. Another showed that middle aged swingers are at higher risks of STDs infection.

Previously studies on sexually transmittable diseases are focussed on populations who practice risky sexual behaviours (teenagers, sex workers, men who have sex with men), now it is the parents and grandparents who are more likely to come down with the clap. Is it because they are no longer concerned about pregnancy they leave off using rubbers?

*rolls eyes*

The Corpse Bride

Necrophilia: everyone does it. Ducks, people, even lizards.

*shudder*

X & Y, sitting on a tree ... K-I-S-S-I-N-G ...

I remember once asking a friend on the eve of her wedding, "How did you know that this is the guy for you, for ever and always?"

Her tranquil answer was, "You gotta have faith when it all feels right."

I marvel at her faith and courage to take such a risk. Marriage is a long-term contract; in Islam, the solemnisation affair 'aqd literally means that, a contract. How do you make sure that the person you chose to wake up next to for the rest of your life is the right person?

Is there a happily ever after promised after the ring is on the finger? No. There is no guarantee that you will be happy with that person for the rest of your life, but there is a promise to try and make things work with that person. Surely the fact that you said yes, that person is important to you; important enough that you are willing to take the risk of it all blowing up in your face.

In this disposable world, many seem to think that if a spouse didn't work out, you can always throw that person away and get another model. Just look in the gossip rags; the blushing bride of the magnificent wedding a few weeks/months/years ago is now the virago ex-wife demanding her rights (and share) in the court. The groom who once professed undying love and devotion is now coldly enumerating her faults and failings as a wife and/or mother.

Why does this happen? Do people change that much once they said "I do"? Could it be that people have unrealistic expectations of their partner even before they committed to matrimony? Could it be because during courtship showing one's true colour is considered de trop and you only found out that your beloved refuse to shower on weekends or cook the dishes your mommy used to make when it's too late?

Being realistic about the candidates for one's hand is a must. We all have dreams of our ideal partners, but what are the likelihood of meeting the perfect someone who reads Sartre, enjoy long walks on the beach and can make a mean espresso? Lori Gottlieb pointed out that if he/she has annoying habits at the cinema or is hopeless at choosing the wine, said person should still be a viable contender.

Should we settle? Or is that settling?

I had thought that the culture of having your spouse chosen for you by your family member takes a lot of stress out of the whole selection process. Not so according to my friends whose families still use traditional matchmakers. There are all the angst of viewing the possible groom/bride and finding that person is still not right/not fair enough/not funny enough and just simply ... not enough.

Huh.

I wonder if I would have the courage of Siti Khadijah and ask a man to marry me.

*grin*

Porn is good for you?

I was watching a talk show on television with my Dad a couple of nights ago. It was an interview with Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim; he expounded at great length why we need censorship more than ever in this world of borderless media. It was the usual old guards rant against pornography and assorted "yellow culture" that is polluting the tender minds of Malaysian youngsters.

Since my father wouldn't surrender the remote control, he had to put up with my snarky commentaries in the background. *grin*

The thing is, even if you're the Chinese government, it is downright impossible to filter the information that travels through your fibreoptic lines. Let's also face the fact that as youngsters grew more techno-savvy and interfaces with the computer like a duck to water, they will find ways to overcome all this ridiculous filters to watch and read and listen to all these things that the authorities deem as unsuitable.

You'd have better luck stopping the tsunami with a bucket.

I think it is better that we give the people (cause not only young people who can kick teh interweb's ass) some credit. Just because one enjoys listening to Cannibal Corpse or Morbid Angel, doesn't mean one will creep into a mortuary and shag any corpse that caught one's fancy. It could be;

a) that person genuinely enjoys thrash metal and killer guitar riffs, or
b) that person just wants the shock and awe value of being a fan of a death metal band.

Whatever.

This article by Milton Diamond in The Scientist gave me the inspiration for the title of this post. In essence, he said that pornography may lead to reduction in sex-related crime (see the original article). Hmm ... interesting. Displacing sexual aggression and suppressing desire = less crime. However, there are other reports that says otherwise.

Diamond contends that exposure to porn PLUS a strict, repressive religious upbringing correlates highly with sex offense. I have an Egyptian friend who claims that men to whom the female body is not a mystery tends to be more tolerant in view of women and their position in society. Apparently, this thought is also supported by Diamond who says that

"... men who had seen X-rated movies found that they were significantly more tolerant and accepting of women than those men who didn’t see those movies, and studies by other investigators—female as well as male—essentially found similarly that there was no detectable relationship between the amount of exposure to pornography and any measure of misogynist attitudes."

Frankly, I believe that if you have no respect for another human being, perpetrating the heinous assault that is rape is no big leap. Pornography may desensitise you and give you unrealistic ideas about sexual intercourse. Understanding sexuality and the issues related to it is more important towards cultivating a healthy attitude about sex and its associated intimacies.

So it is your attitude towards your fellow human beings that dictate your behaviour (criminal or otherwise), not what you choose to watch (or read or listen).

Read more: Porn: Good for us? - The Scientist - Magazine of the Life Sciences http://www.the-scientist.com/2010/3/1/29/1/#ixzz0h8reZKD6

Imprinting of the rainbow flag? Really?

There has been a lot of discussion over the cause of homosexuality. Many would prefer the biological explanation; if it is natural, then it is not wrong. These people delight in research that lent credibility to their arguments, primarily those dealing in the search for the "gay gene".

Well, just because something was researched "scientifically" it doesn't mean that it will be a truism. The scientific community is filled with debunked theories. JB Satinover elucidates why homosexuality is not easily explained away with genetics.

If someone actually could pinpoint a particular gene or gene clusters that "causes" homosexuality, will suppressing the gene make a gay individual straight? And if it does, is it ethical to do so or to force gay individuals to undergo said treatment?

Personally, I think it takes a whole lot of different factors that determines something as complex as a person's sexual orientation. For those who have no plans to stick to vanilla heterosexuality, the world is a jungle out there. Sometimes, things are not so black and white; there are many men who get married and still have male lovers on the side (same with women) who will not consider themselves as gay or bisexual. This is why reading the term MSM (men who have sex with men) used in infectious diseases and other medical journal makes me snerk.

(Mind you, I do believe that labelling or defining yourself by your sexuality / sexual orientation is doltish.)

I am, however, a fan of the environmental influence on a person's sexual orientation theory. While experimentation with the various flavours of sex can come from a person's sense of adventure, situation (e.g. living in boarding school) and curiosity, sexual and emotional attraction is a different kettle of fish altogether.

But no matter how much Holywood would like to romanticise homosexuality and making it sound normal and attractive (I have heard of idiots who claim or want to be gay because it is cool), it is still a thorny path to tread and fraught with challenges both emotional and social.

Tiger, tiger, burning bright ...

Everyone is jumping both feet down Tiger Wood's throat for being a rotten, cheating bastard. Frankly, I am surprised that it is only recently that this shit hit the fan for him.

However, I don't get why this is so. He's not the first athlete who cheated on his partner; check out Ashley Cole and Beckham. But because his PR people portrayed him as this regular Joe who is home-loving but could hit golf balls out into the orbit, people forget that he is exactly that: a regular Joe.

Let's face it: regular Joes cheat. Even those who don't earn eight figures annually cheat. Some says it's in men's DNA, but that's bullshit. Women cheat just as much as men (perhaps even more); it's just that they are more discreet about it.

This piece articulated my feelings about the whole Tiger Woods debacle.

And for those guys who think that their gf/wife would never cheat on them, read this and know fear.

*snerk*

Who's your daddy?

Depending on your intonation and inflection, the phrase above could be either:

a) an innocent inquiry, or
b) an invitation to violence, or
c) taunting someone after pwning to the nth degree.

In the common parlance, (c) is commonly the favoured answer. But option (a) can be quite the booby trap, snapping steel-trap jaws on the unwary.

Sperm donation has made possible many infertile couples to have children. It has also allowed single women to have biological children as well. Once upon a time, sperm donations were relatively anonymous: all a donor had to do is fill up a questionnaire regarding his health and education and off he goes produce the desired fluid in privacy (with the help of a handy visual aid or two). Most fertility centre pay these men for their time (and specimen!), making it particularly an attractive way for college-age men to afford the weekend beer.

As more awareness of the ethical considerations of this issue surface, more stringent regulations are put into place to control assisted reproduction technology. Many countries, particularly in Europe and United States are no longer allowing anonymous donation, driving down the number of sperm donors. Lack of anonymity renders them vulnerable to unwanted contact with their offspring and even potential financial assistance demand. There are a number of donors who are categorised as open donors; i.e. they are alright to being approached by their offspring after they reached 18. However, their numbers are relatively small.

So what is your obligation to your gamete? Your donation has made a child, a person of his/her own right. Someone who is genetically linked to you. Whether or not you have any kind of relationship with the mother, or even know who she is, the child is half yours; 50% of the child's chromosomes come from you. That in itself means that you have a moral obligation to play a role in the child's life.

Women who get pregnant (either planned pregnancy or otherwise) are expected to want their children and to take care of them until they mature. Therefore women are expected to bear the burden of their fecundity by default. So why is it women who opted to terminate their pregnancy (without it being a health risk) are pilloried? Why are men exempted from this?

Many religions frown upon gamete donation. In muddies the relationship and lineage of inheritance. A number of people conceived via gamete donation has decided to look for their biological parent, hoping to fulfill some kind of emptiness from the lack of knowledge of their familial history. And as more women donate their eggs, there is the possibility that one day we will hear of people looking for their donor mothers.

By the way, if you think that sperm donation is only for the heathenish West, think again. We also have them in Malaysia. *snicker*

Of veiling kathoeys and bearded bois

What comes to mind when one says, Iran?

Nuclear warheads pointing westward? Bare-chested bearded men flagellating themselves down the avenue a la the best Folsom Street tradition? Xerxes and his funky curls?

I was privileged to experience first hand the beauty of the country and marvel at their historical monuments. The food is marvellous and travelling there can be pretty cheap. You get the pleasures of the four season and easy food (for Muslims).

But do many people realise that Iran is actually transsexual friendly? Apparently they lag second behind Thailand for the number of sex-change operation conducted annually. Yup, that means chopping off the family jewels and constructing a new plumbing system. Or creating new package where there wasn't any. If you want the gory details, go google it yourself.

Now, you may think ... nah ...

But seriously, the Shiite clerics are pretty enlightened about a number of things. The late Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa to allow a trans-woman to undergo surgery, after asking his physicians to explain to him the difference between a hermaphrodite and a transgendered person. He believed that a good Muslim need to have a proper gender identity in order to fulfill his/her spiritual obligations and if that means going under the knife ... then so be it. Once they are the gender of preference, they are obligated to adhere to the conventions pertaining to their gender; e.g. veiling for women and beards for men.

This however, does not mean homosexuality is legal. They adhere to the strict interpretation of the Shariah law whereby men who have same-sex relations (the biblical knowing, okay?) can be sentenced to death. But a woman can marry a man who was born a woman (and vice versa).

The Government also issues a new set of documents to people who had undergone gender reassignment surgery for their new identity. So no getting flagged at the airport because the passport picture doesn't match. Isn't that wonderful?

So Fatine, hie yourself to Tehran, pronto!

On life's difficult choices

Pretty Girls by Neko Case

Pretty girls, you're too good for this
How you break my heart in this cold waiting room
Oh my pretty girls, you're too good for this
Don't let them tell you you're nothing
Don't let them break your hearts too

The TV is blaring and angry
As if you don't know why you're here
Those who walk without sin are so hungry
Don't let the wolves in, pretty girls

Your hearts are so tried and so innocent
Wind your flimsy blue gowns tight around you
Around curves so comely and sinister
They blame it on you pretty girls

Oh pretty girls, you're too good for this
How you break my heart in this cold waiting room
Oh pretty girls, you're too good for this
Don't let them tell you you're nothing
Don't let them break your hearts too

My girls, you're just like the heavens
Not a soul to take your hand in theirs
Your tears in wild constellations
Proud limbs and hard folding chairs

But there's millions to count you and keep you
And lovers who don't understand
Don't let them tell you you're nothing
'Cause you'll change the world pretty girls

Come chain yourself 'round my ankle
You'll see the world like a bird
Diving down low, flying up high
Through all of these saccharine gutters we'll ride and I
Won't say that I told you so
Won't say that I told you so
Won't say that I told you so
Won't say that I told you so

-End

In a perfect world, the services of medical providers such as the late Dr George Tiller would not be required; but God in His Infinite Wisdom saw it fit that there be obstacles and challenges of many kind for us in this life.

Who has the right to throw the first stone? Certainly not I.

Women from Venus ... definitely

The most common perception is that men are raving sex animals while women are just cold fishes (unless they are the alluring Jezebels out there to ruin good men for their nefarious purposes). But if both men and women are willing to be honest about it, the truth is a lot more complex. If you are in the habit of reading advice columns, the Sexual Agony Aunts will make you believe that a woman can get fulfillment simply by reaching out for what she wants and that she is no different to men in terms of sex drive.

To a certain degree, this is true. But why is it with sexual liberation, women are cheated into moving further away from their hearts? Because as cliche as it is, women wants the emotional connectivity before they surrender into intimacy.

And this is something new. Right.

Learning from the animal kingdom ... NOT!!!!

We humans like to think that we are special. But there is a group of people who believe that humans are no better than animals and as such, all creatures should be treated equal. If you want to give paid maternity leave to your cat or your seat on the LRT (light rail transit) to the visiting hippopotamus, be my guest.

But as human beings, we are held accountable by a different set of rules, yes? You may say that homosexuality is natural, but if a human being had done what this male duck did, he would be imprisoned. With a straitjacket over his prison uniform.

Apparently, it took Dr Moeliker over five years to gather up courage to report the necrophiliac homosexual rape of a male mallard (fancy name for duck) outside his office. Love how deadpan and wry his writing is (it is something I don't see in the journals I usually read, darn those dry, snooze generating stuff) and it is reflected in his presentation (see below a video presentation of Dr Moeliker on the occasion of receiving his IgNobel Prize).



Guys, I won't blame you if you feel a little inadequate; the rapist duck clocked in at 75 minutes thrust time and only stopped after the estimable Dr Moeliker interrupted his business. In between, he had rested only twice, each time lasting less than five minutes.

Sexual harrassment also exist in the animal kingdom. South African biologist Nico de Bruyn reported of an Antarctic fur seal who had (mistakenly?) mounted an adult king penguin (of unknown sex) for 45 minutes. Golly, there is just no escaping jerks like that, huh?

My Body is a Wonderland? Yes.

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see? Or, like me, you take off your glasses and smile mistily at the fuzzy figure before you? A great deal of our self esteem is tied up with our body; say what you will about building personality and a fine crafted mind, we would all trade our Einstein-like genius for satiny smooth skin and trimmer waistline.

But should our hang ups of our body get in the way of our enjoyment of it? I say, NO. We are fed with airbrushed images daily of what we should look like. We are made to be unnecessarily critical of our physical self, that we are not good enough if we don't look like a fifteen year-old nymph/youth. We forget to enjoy our health and grace because we are too busy whining over what we think is wrong with ourselves.

The hell with all of that. Celebrate your senses. Stroke your skin and feel how delicious it is. Your limbs so well-shaped to support you and for you to enjoy your world. Taste. Listen. Observe. Reclaim your sexuality. What ever shape or colour you are, you have every right to enjoy the feast that is your senses.

So go forth, reach out and touch somebody.

Things That You Never Really Think About

Sex is something that titillates people the world over. Rarely is a subject that is widely alluded to but rarely spoken frankly of as sex. It is also something that people take for granted; which is why discussion of disability and sex is rarely forthcoming. Disability and sex can be pretty wide ranging, in my humble opinion; and should include issues such as erectile dysfunction.

This article discusses an aspect of a form of disability and sex in a very candid and humourous, yet sensible manner. Take a look. You know you want to.

Shagging Real Early?

No, not that lunch time nookie you had planned with a naughty lover.

*snerk*

This article in the NYTimes paved the way to debunking the myth of teenage shagdom. In Malaysia, the biggest obstacle to a reasonable sex education is the fear that teenagers, upon learning the "right way" to do "it" will be hell bent for leather for the bedroom Olympics.

Never mind that sex education is also about respecting your body and your partner. Never mind that research shows that young individuals who are armed with knowledge are less likely to engage in risky behaviours. Never mind that simply telling teenagers that premarital sex will send them straight to hell has never worked as method of prevention.

The accessibility of pornography (via Internet and pirated media) means that children are exposed to sex at a much younger age. Relentless exposure leads to desensitisation; sex are no longer taboo and may even be a normal recreational activities. The thing is, when adults are reluctant to be honest to children about something so important, it doesn't mean that children are not keen to experiment.

They do not understand that watching pornography can be akin to watching a superhero movie. There are special effects and that the characters are played by actors who are paid to do certain things according to a specific storyline. The activities perpertrated in pornography may be unhealthy and dangerous. Issues of consent is commonly pushed aside in pornography; in fact, some porn cater to non-consensual acts as a draw. This means that children may not understand that full consent is very important when engaging in sexual activity. That when someone screams "NO!" it really means no. Hence, the increasing number of young people being charged with rape; some of them barely in their teens.

Porn is not the way for them to learn that sex is an expression of emotional intimacy and that it is the best thing that two people who love each other can share. Porn does not tell you that sexual activity is something that should only be shared when the body and mind is mature in tandem. Porn does not tell you what to do when you are pregnant and your boyfriend (of the day, week) disappears. Porn does not tell you that you are responsible for your genetic element and fathering a child should be done responsibly.

Anyone who remembers their teenage years with any kind of clarity recalls what a roiling cauldron of hormones you were then. It was the time of exploring curiosity and what is more curious than this body that is changing daily with all this new sensations? How do you deal with these urges? A lot of people have experienced or heard of boarding school shenanigans (or even day school shenanigans, at that); how did that affect their future sexuality or sex life? How did you process all the information? Who told you what? Was the information correct? I had a classmate in secondary school who claimed that babies come out of their mummy's navel. I also had classmates who frenched same-sex classmates and were making plans to go further (in the interest of being better lovers to the opposite sex).

We should, no, we must, teach our children to treat their body with respect and to educate them to make responsible decisions that will affect their future.